Barefoot Contesa = Biggest Douche in the Universe

6-year-old Enzo's wish started innocently enough. He wanted to spend the afternoon with "celebrity" chef Ina Garten, better known as the Barefoot Contessa. The young boy, suffering from acute lymphoblastic leukemia, would often watch Garten's show while sick in his bed. Enzo's wish simply involved meeting with the chef cooking one of the Contessa's many French dishes with her. No big deal, right?

She told the kid no.

Enzo was told to try again later that year due to a book tour conflict. On his next attempt to reach the cooking star, he was given an answer of "definite no" from Contessa's PR team, who are all apparently awful at their jobs. "Barefoot Contessa? More like Piece-of-Shit-You're-a-Bitch Contessa," Enzo probably never said.

He's much more polite than we are.

Enzo was devastated by the news that his favorite chef had turned him down, and his family quickly turned to the Web to air their displeasure. In a blog post earlier this year, Enzo's mom noted that her son had wanted to meet the chef for the past three years, and had publicly wondered, "Why doesn't she want to meet me?" We're very sorry to everyone else who entered, but we officially have a winner for saddest thing ever.

No doubt thrilled by the easiest news story of all time, nearly every major news group hopped on the story, and soon the Contessa found herself the number one enemy of people who support sick children over millionaire chefs. ABC News noted that the refusal was out of step with the much more charity-friendly image she put out in public.

And here she is wearing shoes. Do her lies know no end?

In a panic move, Contessa contacted Enzo and personally invited him to join her. He would get to cook with her just like he wanted all along! No big deal, right?

He told the lady no.

"I've moved on to Rachael Ray."

See, Enzo had spent the weeks since his rejection doing two things: booking a different wish and being sick of the Barefoot Contessa's bullshit. He alerted the chef that her apologies were too little too late, and instead of cooking a simple meal with a terrible person, decided he was going to go out and swim with some motherfucking dolphins. Nice upgrade, Enzo.